TINY TOONS ADVENTURES SPOOKY STORIES 2 By Abel DuSable Up opening theme music as played by a gothic pipe organ. We're tiny, We're toony We're all a little loony and in this cartoony we're trapped behind this screen! At horrific locations In nightmarish situations In Spooky Stories we get horror that's PG Thirteen! So here's Plucky's Carn-Evil and inside is contained Stories that will chill your spine And addle your poor brain The script was demented But the censors have relented To release Spooky Stories On a Terror Reign! We're furry we're funny We're Babs and Buster bunny Montanna Max has money Elmyra is a pain There's Hamton and Plucky Dizzy Devil's yucky Furrball's unlucky And Gogo is insane To Plucky's Carn-Evil we'll go In costumes after dark There's rides and games That cause us pains It's a real Abusement Park! We're tiny, we're toony We're all a little loony It's Abel's Spooky Stories Now it's time to run... Here comes another Pun! Exterior: Acme Acres, night. Menacing-yet-lively music plays in the background as the camera travels low along the ground through the suburban streets of Acme Acres. Children in costumes run past laughing and chanting Halloween slogans. The number of children increase as the camera crests the next hill and the music changes to a slightly demented version of circus music we see Plucky's Carn-Evil. Leering jagged-toothed clowns caper about among the throngs of children, devil-faced fire-eaters belch gouts of flame to OOHS and AHHHS, and skeletal acrobats walk high wires above the midway. The camera zooms past the children, entertainers, games, sideshow, big top and the rides to swoop right at a ramshackle building with the sign "Hall of Oddities" and through the open front doors into the darkness within. Interior: Hall of Oddities, night. The Hall of oddities is mostly darkness punctuated by the spotlights that show the cheesy exhibits of things in jars and mocked-up sets. Six shadowy shapes move about between the exhibits and one by one step into the light. Kevin: (Dressed in ragged clothing and shackles) Will you look at all of this stuff. No wonder nobody bothered to come in this place. Leloni: (Dressed in a suit of armor with a French motif) I've seen scarier stuff at Anthrocon... specifically in the "Mature" section. Pepe K: (Dressed in a rich red "Smoking Jacket" with a white rabbit-like logo on it and a pipe) Hey... don't criticize the mature section. In total, they make more money in a weekend than you see in a year. WereKitty: (Dressed in a "classic" red-shirt female Star Trek uniform) I know... and that just scares me. More than these exhibits possibly could. J.A.M.: (Dressed in a black hooded cloak with a large stylised scythe) I don't know. I think they made this place fairly eerie. Leloni: Remind me why we came into this pawn-shop owner's nightmare? Kitty: Because it's quiet in here... Kevin: ...and we needed a quiet place for Andy to recover from his journey on the Mount Rustmore roller coaster. Andy: (Dressed in a Goldfish bowl for a helmet and a plastic zap-gun and looking ill) Ooog... I did not foresee what that last Butter-on-a-stick was going to do to my stomach on the last twelve loop-de-loops. Pepe K: Just be thankful you didn't hurl. There's no hope in hades that you could get that helmet off in time. Leloni: Thank you *SO* much for that mental image Mister Hefner! Pepe K: (with a slight bow) Why thank you miss "Of Arc". J.A.M.: So this is Halloween. Hmm... I can see the appeal of a night of costumed frivolity. Kitty: (Tapping a claw against a jar with an alien floating in it) Nothing wrong with a little frivolity now and again. And Halloween is a good excuse to dress up and have a few laughs. Plucky, dressed in his Carnival Barker's uniform, steps out of the shadows next to Kitty with a wide grin upon his face. Everyone jumps in surprise at his sudden appearance. Plucky: All too true, young lady! But All Hallow's Eve is more than just about candy and good times. It's also an evening of wonder... of the supernatural and of Mystery. Pepe K: (clutching his chest) Cripes! A little warning next time! Plucky: Heh heh. Sorry. I couldn't resist a dramatic entrance. Showbiz is in my blood you know. Leloni: And if you want to keep that blood in you I suggest you think next time before doing that again. Plucky: Madame! You wound me! I am Pluckford Q. Duck, Carnival Barker and purveyor of this Carnival Macabre! If I do not give you rubes a good jolt now and again I'd have to give you your money back... and we all know how likely that is. Kevin: Alright, alright. We get the idea, although this place is not exactly up to par. What's supposed to be so "macabre" about a shed full of odds and ends? Plucky: (Pointing at various objects with his cane) *Tisk!* My good sir! While not appearing to look like much on the surface, these here curious curios have tales to tell. Each and every one of them has a story that separates the mundane from the supernatural. The Rhinoceros-Man's Skeleton, the knife of a Cereal killer, the last picture that a famous king ever did a sitting for... open your minds to what they have to say. While Plucky points out the details of a human Skeleton with a Rhino's horn, a rusty butcher's knife stuck in a box of Foot Loops and a garish Velvet Elvis painting Leloni snickers and points a thumb in the direction of a Brass Coffee Pot on a pedestal. Leloni: Hey... Duck. What's with the coffee pot? It looks like something you got from a garage sale. Plucky: Ah yes... it does seem rather unremarkable, does it not? I assure you though that hunk of brass has as a twisted tale as any other item in the hall of oddities. *LONG PAUSE* Leloni: Well? Plucky: Well what? Pepe K: I think she wants to hear your story. Plucky: Ahh! Why didn't she say so? It's a little tale I like to call... The camera slowly turns from Plucky's grinning heavily shadowed face to the large placard above the display and focuses on to the last line and the coffee pot just below it. Plucky: ...Rubbed The Wrong Way. Everything except the coffee pot fades out till black then fades in to the brass coffee pot sitting on a counter at a coffee shop. Suddenly a pink hand seizes it by the handle. The camera pulls back to reveal Babs in a Deerbucks Cafe uniform moving gracefully among patrons pouring coffee in their mugs. Interior: Deerbucks Coffee shop, evening. Babs: Last call! Everyone gets one free refill! (Does impersonation singing) Closing time! No more time for caffeine so finish the coffee that's near. Closing time. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. As the customers finish their coffee and begin to file out Vinnie the Deer (Also in a Deerbuck's uniform) walks over to Babs and pats her on the back. Vinnie: Another day of satisfied customers. Good work Babs. Babs: Hey, it feels good to have a job where you feel comfortable being yourself. Vinnie: An ironic statement coming from the chick with the multiple personalities. Babs: Don't make me hurt you Romeo. Vinnie slips his arms into a large bulletproof vest and zips it up. Vinnie: Romeo? Sorry baby. My only date tonight is with today's profits and the late night bank deposit slot. Can you a dear and zip me up?" Babs: Sorry... I can't be a deer. I'm a Rabbit Vinnie: Your species is also divided up into bucks and does so it's close enough for me. Babs helps Vinnie zip up and after he slips on a riot helmet she hands him a big bag of cash. Vinnie: Now you know our agreement. I carry tonight's cash to the bank and you get everything ready for the health inspector tomorrow. Babs: Aw come on, Vinnie. You can trust me. Vinnie: I mean it Babs... get everything in here spick and span or we could find ourselves out of work. Start with the coffee pots. I don't think they've been cleaned since this dump opened. Babs: Aye-Aye mon cap-ee-tan! Vinnie and Babs exchange salutes and the faint call of a trumpet sounds in the distance as he turns smartly around and heads out the front door. The moment Babs turns her back outside the big bay window dozens of old TTA villains From Mr Hitcher to Dr Gene Splicer all attack Vinnie who fights like a madman. Of course no sound can be heard through the glass and Babs is blissfully unaware that her friend fights his way off camera. Grabbing a dishcloth Babs begins to wash the dishes. As she tries to wipe the icing sugar off of the Coffee pot from the wraparound story when all of a sudden a soot black cloud pours out from the spout. The lamp tumbles from her quivering fingers as her eyes drink in the sight of the dark smoky column towering over her. The smoke takes shape, becoming a Black Sable about half a head taller than her with white gloves and a red sash about his waist. His glowing blue eyes regard her with contempt as he levitates before the pink bunny. Able: How... long? Babs: H-huh? Able: How long have I been imprisoned in that accursed lamp? Babs: I - I don't know. Able: What is the year? Babs: Uh... 2004? Able: *GROAN!* I missed the big Millennium celebration? For the love of... I had reservations for that night. Do you know how much I paid for those tickets? Babs: No? Able: You wouldn't believe me. And I had a hot date too! Do you have any idea how many immortals have tried to get a date with Brownie? Babs: Who's Brownie? Able: Who's Brownie? You've never heard of Brownie? She's so famous you mortals wrote a song about her. Babs: Really? Able: Yeah. "I dream of Brownie in the light blue jeans". Babs: I thought that was "I dream of Jeannie". Able (aside): Amazing, you give them free will, imagination, a prehensile thumb and the ability to communicate and they *STILL* can't get a stinking song right. Babs: Who are you? Able drifts over to the espresso machine and fills one of the oversized cups up with the stuff. He takes a sip and turns to Babs, bows low in a manner one has to defy gravity to succeed. Able: Oh! Where *ARE* my manners? I am D'Sable, the mighty D'jinn of the lamp! Freed after... (counts his fingers) many years of dark imprisonment in that lamp... which for some reason has been used as a coffee pot for the last five. Not bad really. Kinda felt like a hot tub. Babs: Ewww! Able: Why have you disturbed my slumber of oblivion little one? Babs: Gin? Don't you mean Genie? Able: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Babs: OK, you're weirding me out. What's so funny? Able: (Recovering his composure) Uh, I just thought of a funny joke. So... now that I'm Caffeinated, regulated and motivated I'm ready to begin with the wish fulfillment. You get three wishes you pathetic... I mean, little one. What shall they be? Babs: Well... My first wish is... What? Able: (Grinning wickedly) What? Babs: You have an evil grin on your face. Able: No I don't. You must be mistaken. Babs: Yes you do. It happened when I said "My first wish is"... Hey! It just got wider! Able: (Speaking through the blatantly toothy grin across his face) I do *NOT* have an evil grin on my face! Now quit stalling and make your three wishes. Babs: No! What's the big idea? Out with it or I won't make my wishes at all. Able: (looking disappointed) *SIGH* Oh Alright. Since you put it that way I suppose I should tell you that the entire wish thing is a Monkey's Paw. Babs: Come again? Able: Monkey's Paw?... As in "The Monkey's Paw"?... written by Edgar Allen Poe?... All wishes lead to woe?... Geewiz! Don't you READ for crying out loud? Babs: So... the wishes have strings attached? Able: Well *DUH!* I'm a D'jinn, not a Genie! Babs: What's the diff? Able: A Genie cannot do anything to deliberately harm their master as they are by all means of the word... total slaves to them. D'jinn however are merely bound to service by powerful magics but are free to interpret a wish in any matter a fiendish mind can conceive. Babs: So, no matter what I wish for you'll try and mess it up for me. Able reclines on one of the couches and grins as he polishes off his jumbo espresso. Able: You got it babe. I'm chock full of Phenomenal Comic Power! Babs: Isn't that 'Cosmic' Power? Able: Not if we don't wish to get sued... besides all my wishes usually have some appropriate comic twist to it. Babs: Great, I get a D'jinn with a twist. Able: *I`LL* make the puns if you don't mind. Babs: So what if I refuse to make wishes? Able: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You can't possibly do that forever! All I have to do is wait for you to make some sort of offhanded comment that can be interpreted as a wish and BANG! I got you! Babs: You're really willing to wait just for me to make a wish by accident? Able: Hey... being stuck inside of a hunk of pottery for years at a stretch isn't what I'd exactly call intellectually stimulating, although it does tend to make one very... very patient. Babs: Crud. I don't suppose I could ask you if you have kind of a "Minimum Curse" package thing going? Able: (mumbles) Actually... I do. Babs: (excitedly grabs Able by the chestfur) You do? What is it? What? Able: (Pries her fingers loose) Hey! Hey! Hey! Watch the pelt! This fur is the prime example of ethereal decadence. It's soft, it's sleek and it's so black that not only does light fall into it, it doesn't even get a chance to scream. Babs: Sorry... Able: S'ok. All right... now keep in mind that I don't *HAVE* to tell people about this special deal but you seem like a nice young lady. Consider this my good deed for the century. Ahem... A book appears in his hand as he places a set of reading glasses on the bridge of his nose. He cracks open the book and begins to read. Able: According to the D'jinn's Legal Handbook to Creative Mayhem, in the case of a reluctant wisher the D'jinn can offer the aforementioned wisher the customary three wishes without any creative misinterpretations, misunderstandings or really bad puns. Babs: REALLY?! Oh wow, that's so... uh... OK. What's the catch? Able: Oh... just the minor detail... a trifle really... Babs: What is it? Able: The only condition is, for what favors and treasures you command from me... your worst enemy shall receive twice. Babs: WHAT!? You gotta be kidding! You mean if I wish for a billion dollars than Rhubella Rat will automatically get TWO billion? Able: (Claps his hands together with the sound of thunder) *GRANTED!* Babs: *AHHHH*! I didn't mean that! Able: Sorry. I'm not the one who used the "W" word. Babs' cell phone goes off and she answers it. Babs: (Quietly) Hello? ...Yes I'm Babs Bunny ...George O'Dowd, ... June 14 1961 ...Karma Chameleon. No kidding. All right. Thank you. Babs folds up the phone and looks over at Able who's drinking espresso right from the machine. Babs: I just won second place in the KACME radio station music trivia contest. Able: Oh really? Babs: Second place was one Billion dollars. Able: (Smiling and sitting up on the counter) How about that? Babs: Yeah. Able: Who won first place? Babs: I... don't know. Able: Give ya three guesses and the first two don't count. Babs: You sadistic Son of a... bachelor! Able: (Proudly) Born and raised! Hokay little lady... What's your second wish? Babs: I... I don't know! Able: (Hannibal impression) Quid pro quo, Babs. Make a wish before you think about how much joy it will give your worst enemy. Babs: I have to think about it... Able: Com'on! Com'on! I'm here to drink coffee and grant sadistic wishes and you`re running low on coffee. Babs: (Nervously) I wish for... for... Able: Yes? Babs: I wish for a *REALLY* old car! *HAH!* Let's see her come out on top of that one! Babs` Cell rings again and she looks over at Able with a defiant attitude as she speaks into it. Babs: Babs Bunny here, it's your dime buddy. Oh, hi Uncle Kevin. Yes I... what? Oh... I see. All right. Bye bye. Able drifts over to a shell-shocked Babs and smiles sweetly to her. Able: Who was that? Babs: My Uncle Kevin. He finished restoring his '58 Bel Aire sedan and is giving it to me because he needs the room in his garage for his next project. Able: Do tell. Babs: That means that somewhere, somehow Rhubella has just gotten two '58 Impala convertables. Able: You catch on pretty quick for a long eared rodent. Babs: How are you doing this?!!! No, wait let me guess. "Phenomenal Comic Powers". Able: Aww, you remembered. I'm touched. Babs: ...In the head. Able: Now be nice. I could've buried you in that Rolls Royce under one Billion dollars in Pennies Y'know. Babs: Sorry... it's just that it's impossible to remain positive when your wishes are being turned into nightmares. Able: Them's the breaks Bunny girl... OK, what's your last wish? Babs: Just give me a minute! Let me think! Able: (Checking his watch) 58 seconds and counting... Babs: Why are you pressuring me like this? What did I ever do to deserve this? Able: I dunno. Maybe you just rub people the wrong way? Babs: Please! No puns! I'm having a hard enough time trying to think as it is! Able: 45 seconds. Ticktock, ticktock Babsy. Times running out! Babs: Must... think... As Babs places her hands over her ears and tries to concentrate while Able hums the 'Jeopardy' theme song. Finally a smile runs across her face and she spin changes into a Jafar clone. Babs: Slave! I make my final wish! Able: Someone's been watching too many Disney films. Babs: I wish... Able: Yes? Babs: I wish for... Able: Go on. Babs: I wish you would give me a 300 pound fanboy and *HALF* of a marriage certificate! Able: Oooh... That's a good one! *YES*, oh mighty evil one Interior: Hall of Oddities, Night Kevin, Leloni, J.A.M., Kitty, Andy and Pepe are standing around Plucky listing to the end of the tale. Leloni has her arms crossed and nods as she rubs her biceps as if cold. J.A.M. glances up as something seems to catch his eye and he walks off screen. Leloni: OK. I admit that was a good story. Plucky: If nothing else, the Hall of Oddities are good for a decent story. The J.A.M.: Hey, Mister Duck! Plucky: Eh? Plucky and everyone else turns to see J.A.M. scrutinizing a long black and red silk cape on a clothing dummy. He eyes it up and down, with his feline vision but seems to find nothing odd. J.A.M.: What is the story behind this cape? I'm afraid that I see nothing unusual about it. Plucky: That Cape? Ah yes... sir has a keen eye for the exceptionally rare. That particular cloak belonged to a genuine creature of the night. The J.A.M.: A vampire? Plucky: (waves a hand in a dismissal manner) Oh nothing quite so mundane as an ordinary, garden-variety vampire, good sir. As you suspected, I have a story to go along with that little piece of evening ware. The J.A.M.: You do? And how, pray tell, does this story go? Plucky smiles and taking the cape down from the rack holds it in front of him in a manner similar to that of a matador entering the ring. Plucky: Like so many other good stories... on a dark and stormy night. I like to call this one... "Bat's All Folks!" With a dramatic flourish, Plucky dons the cape and swings it up before his beak in the classic "Peer over the top of the cape" pose made famous by Bela Legosi. The cape continues to swing upwards and over the 'lens' of the camera making everything black except for his one exposed eye. Stars appear in the darkness, Plucky's eye becomes a full moon and the camera pans downwards to show a lonely highway, a sign that says "Nowhere: now entering the middle" and a Small yellow Volkswagon Beetle driving down the highway with the cheerleaders Binky, Bimbette and Sphinxy in it. Interior Sphinxy's car, deserted highway, night. Sphinxy, Bimbette and Binky Bunny are all dressed in their Acme Loo Cheerleader uniforms. While the Bimbette fiddles with the radio dial, Sphinxy drives, and Binky gleefully hugs a large brown paper bag. Bimbette: Middle of nowhere, middle of the night and nothing good's on the radio. Sphinxy: Well we were making great time until Binky made us stop off at that swap meet in that last town. Bimbette: Yeah. We could have been home and at Buster's big victory party by now. Binky: You know I just can't resist a chance to shop in a new place. Bimbette: Honestly Binky! You are *such* a stereotype. Binky: Tee Hee. Thanks. Sphinxy: So what did our little shop-a-holic buy at that rummage sale? Binky smiles and reaches into the paper bag to pull out a very gaudy rhinestone encrusted crucifix. Bimbette: Good heavens! Sphinxy: I don't know if heaven would have anything to do with that thing. Bimbette: It's the religious equivalent of a black velvet painting. Binky: You like it? The man who sold me this said it was a brand new antique. Bimbette: Brand new antique? Oh Binky. Sphinxy: In my day, religious artifacts were never treated so badly... of course nowadays they're dug up and put in museums. Binky: (Puts the cross back in the bag) Hey, how old are you Sphinxy? Bimbette: Yeah, I know you're the oldest of us three but you've never told us your age. Sphinxy: I'm old enough to be sensitive to questions like that. Binky: Oh... Kay. Sphinxy: Actually, being honest, I am about your age... in Myth-years. Bimbette: Myth-years? Sphinxy: We Mythological creatures age on a different... scale than average toons. We were around in the times stories were mouth to ear, later people carved and drew our images, then we were special effects in films and now animation has once again breathed new life into us. Whenever we are given a new shape by the medium we are born anew. I've *existed* for centuries but I was born in wackyland when Tiny Toons was written, so I am ancient and yet I am young. Bimbette: Wow. Sort of like reincarnation on an installment plan. Sphinxy: That's as good an analogy as any. Binky: All of that made my head hurt. Sphinxy: I'm older than you Bink. Just leave it at that. Binky: `Kay. The car continues to drive down the densely forested road. As the girls keep up the chatter a dark figure is seen between the trees, following the car and keeping pace with it even at it's current speed. Bimbette: So, you've lived a lot of different lives? Sphinxy: Yeah, me and all the other sphinxes. Some prefer to remain "classic" but I was always ready to try something new. (You shoulda seen my figure in ancient Greece) Bimbette: And other... creatures, they do the same as you? Sphinxy: Yeah. Every culture has a tendency to update their folklore as the times change and so creatures of myth and legend also change. I'm one of the lucky ones. I remember what I used to be. Many others lose themselves in each story, forgetting their last incarnation. Bimbette: What kind of creatures qualify as Mythicals? Sphinxy: Oh, usually the supernatural ones. Sphinxes, Minotaurs, Sirens, Werewolves, Banshee... Suddenly a Vampire Hamton falls down on top of the hood of the car and hisses at the girls, baring his fangs and claws. Sphinxy: Oh yeah! I nearly forgot the Vampires. The girls stare at Hamton for a moment before what they are seeing finally registers as a threat. They `wild take` and begin to scream as he begins to claw at the windshield. Bimbette: *AHHHH!* A Vampire! Binky: *AHHHH!* A Spooky Pig! Sphinxy: *AHHHH!* A Spooky Vampire Pig! All together: *AHHHH!* A SPAMPIRE! *AHHHH!* The car weaves back and forth on the road as the Spampire continues to attempt to claw his way in. Sphinxy: What are we gonna do? He's gonna get through that safety glass, bite us and make us into his chubby, blood drinking, undead servants of darkness! Binky: He's gonna make us *FAT*? Honk the horn at him! Sphinxy leans on the horn and the Spampire merely snarls, pressing his face against the glass and gleefully makes ugly faces at them. Bimbette: Oh *THAT* really helped. Binky: What do you think we should do? Bimbette: Sphinxy! Hit him with the wipers! Maybe we can shake him off. Sphinxy: Gotcha! Sphinxy switches the wipers on and the Spampire has his face slapped about, like one of the Three Stooges then sprayed with water. He hisses angrily before pulling a crowbar out of his cape and tries to pry the windshield out of its moorings. Sphinxy: No good. It just ticked him off! Bimbette: Aw great. As if things weren't bad enough. Sphinxy: Wait! I got an idea! Binky! Binky: Yes? Sphinxy: Use your Crucifix! Binky: Use my what? Sphinxy: *Sigh!* ...Show the Spampire *YOUR CROSS*! Binky: Oh... Kay. Binky unbuckles her seatbelt and rolling her window down she leans out the window. He looks up from his prying and sees her, he snarls as their eyes meet. Binky: (Shouting) *HEY! GET OFF THE BLOODY CAR YOU TOOTHY SACK OF LARD, OR I'M GONNA COME OUT THERE AND KICK THE BACON BITS OUT OF YOU! YOU GOT IT?* The Spampire suddenly looks freaked (as do Bimbette and Sphinxy) and carefully removing his crowbar changes into a small pig with batwings and flies off. Binky pulls herself back into the car and smiles at her friends who are too shocked to say anything. Binky: Hee hee. That was cool... I didn't know pigs could fly. Interior: Hall of Oddities, Night. Plucky irons out the wrinkles in the cape on a table before draping it back over the display dummy. It's this time that J.A.M. eyes an artifact warily. J.A.M.: Ermmm.....yessss.....uh, interesting tale there, Mr. Duck. Plucky: We aim to please at the Carn-Evil, good sir. We always find someway to keep you entertained... It's cheaper than refunding your money. Kitty nods and looking around, backs up into a tall wooden sarcophagus. The ancient coffin shakes from the impact and Kitty stiffens in surprise before realizing her mistake and relaxing her guard, chuckles. Kitty: *EEP!* Oh... heh heh. Who do you have in here? Bubba Ho-Tep? Plucky: Leave it to a feline to find the mummy of Meowtum Common, beloved feline pet of King Tut. Did you know that cats were revered as divine in Egypt. Pepe: I remember reading about that. They even had a cat-headed goddess... Bast. The carvings of her were rather flattering. Kitty: Sounds like furry culture goes back farther than most people think. Andy: (Wiggling his fingers at Kitty and doing a Peter Lore voice) Yes. But remember that the ancient Egyptians were notorious for placing curses upon their treasures to smite those who would dare show disrespect. Kitty: Andy! Quit it! Plucky smirks and opens the latch on the sarcophagus with the tip of his cane while Andy is preoccupied with teasing Kitty. The lid swings open and a large cat-like Mummy inside falls upon the fox, pinning him under it's weight causing everyone snickers at his misfortune. Andy: *OOF!* Hey! Leloni: Aren't you supposed to be omni-scent? Andy: Just because a person has the ability to see all and know all... doesn't mean that they can't become preoccupied at times. Now, get this thing off of me! J.A.M., Plucky and Kevin wrestle the Mummy back into the case and as Plucky latches it shut again he chuckles. Plucky: I'd appreciate it if you didn't go about disturbing our exhibits, Andy... they are disturbing enough as it is. Andy: (dusting himself off) That's a terrible pun. Plucky: Well the midnight hour approaches fast and so will the closing of my Carn-Evil, but I suppose we can squeeze one more tale out of these old antiques. Why don't I tell you the story connected to this ancient corpse-box. Kevin: Well we paid for it, didn't we? Plucky: That you did. Well good Sirs and Madams... the final story of the Hall of Oddities is one of what happens when you don't respect your Mummy. I give you... "Wrapped up in your work." The camera pans up to the sarcophagus and the image of the face on the sarcophagus fills the screen. The great golden cat's face now glimmering with mirror like quality in comparison to the one in the sideshow. Furrball's distorted features appear on its surface for a moment when a loud "AHEM" cause him to turn around. Interior: Acme Acres Historical Museum, Night. Furrball is in a plain brown security guard uniform, flashlight and all standing before Arnie the Pitbull who is also dressed as a security guard. Arnie: Alright, Puny little kitty boy. You haff done some security guarding in the past but zis is da big leagues. Zis is da Acme Acres Historical Museum. You know what dat means, Ya? Furrball: Meow? Arnie: You got dat right! Dis isn't some namby-pamby shopping mall. All of da schtuff in here is really, really expensive. So is any of it gets damaged or goes missing... not only will it come out of your salary, I will personally break things in your body that you never knew you had... just for making me look bad. DO we have an understanding? Furrball: Meow? Arnie: Good. Tonight you will be guarding Da west wing... Da Egyptian Wing. Now go to work... I will be in my office. Arnie picks up a copy of "Musselhed" magazine and strides into the men's room. Furrball clicks on his flashlight and begins to stalk among the Egyptian artifacts that loom over him. Cat-based designs are the most dominant. The camera pans upwards to a skylight and two shadowy figures peer down through the skylight. Tweety and Sweety step into the light look at one another slyly. Tweety proceeds to use a glasscutter to cut a perfect "tweety" shape in one of the panes then stepping back, Sweety pulls out a brick and smashes that pane to smithereens. Hearing the noise Furrball rushes over to the area just under the skylight and finds broken glass and the brick. He shines his light on the glass, one small piece falls from the ceiling to break on his head directing him to look upwards and see the broken skylight. Furrball pulls a nightstick from his belt and begins to stalk around, shining his flashlight left and right in search of the intruders. Meanwhile on top of a shelf full of ancient canopic jars Tweety and Sweety each land on one and read the display card. Tweety: Ooh, Canopic Jars, Fuwy intact too. You know these are weally, weally ware in the field of archeowogy. Sweety: Expensive kind of rare? Tweety: Oh yes... These were a gift to the Museum from the Egyptian government a while back. They say that just the wittlest thing can destwoy their status as pwicewess artifacts. Moisture, dust, even just handwing them without gwoves can wuin them with the natural oils on one's fingers.. Sweety: I was not aware of that. Tweety: And now you do. Notice the pwevalent use of cat-features in the decorations of all the artifacts. They were considered pwoud, noble and divine cweatures by the ancient Egyptians. Sweety: Which brings us to our business here, tonight. Tweety: Vewy twue. Sweety pulls out a roll of toilet paper and places it beside her, Tweety pulls out some tiny newspapers. Tweety: Weading material? Sweety: Please. Care for a Prune? Tweety: Pwease and thank you. The two birds hold up the news papers in front of them and begin to eat prunes while perched on the canopic jars when suddenly Furrball catches them in his flashlight's beam. Sweety: (Squinting) Isn't that always the way? You just get comfortable and someone barges in on your privacy. Furrball growls and putting his flashlight on his belt begins to climb up the tall shelf, one-handed. He reaches the top shelf where the birds wait calmly for him and he raises his nightstick to strike when Tweety smirks and shoves one of the Jars off the shelf. Tweety: Whoops! Furrball cries out in panic and dropping his club catches the jar. In mid-air. Then Sweety shoves a jar over and Furrball catches it with his other hand... and then realizes his error in judgment. With an extended cry he falls to the floor leaving cracked tiles but shielding the two jars. He gives a weak smile of triumph before hearing Sweety call out. Tweety: HEADS UP, FURRBALL! Furrball wild takes and does a rapid-fire series of catches from his position on his back. Hands, feet and tail working in concert to catch the rain of brittle Jars. Just when he thinks the ordeal is over he hears the birds discussing something. Sweety: This doesn't look Egyptian. What is it? Tweety: Wooks wike it's fwom the Ming dynasty. Sweety: Ming Shming. It's ugly... toss it over! A large round shadow appears upon the cat's body and with all his limbs occupied he opts to use his torso to take the impact of the huge Ming Vase knocking the wind out of him. As he recovers, the birds fly from their perch into the next area of the wing. A diorama of slaves moving large blocks for the Pyramids is in this room and various wax statues of armed Warriors overseeing the slaves and guarding the mummies in the half- completed burial chamber. Against the far wall of the room a series of statues featuring Egyptian gods seem to watch all that goes on. Tweety lands on the arm of an archer while Sweety lands at it's feet. Furrball storms into the room and leaps up onto the sand of the diorama. Tweety: (In a military tone) Attention, Attention. Enemy is in wange. Twagectory is 40 degwees to port. Sweety: (Turning the base of the statue ) Aye Aye, sir! 40 Degrees Port. Tweety: 10 degwees elevation. Sweety: (adjusting the statue with a wedge so it tilts upwards slightly) 10 degrees elevation. Aye sir! Tweety: (grabbing the fingers holding the arrow drawn arrow back) FIRE ONE! Furrball suddenly realizing that the arrow seems to be pointed right at him ducks in time for the flying piece of wood to miss him. Realizing that the only shot they had has not struck him, he blows them a raspberry and starts to walk forwards. The arrow however hits a rope that suspends a gigantic block of limestone over his head and he doesn't even see it in time to dodge. The Block crushes every part of him save his right hand. It twitches and drops his nightstick where it rolls off the diorama to where the birds now sit on top of the Bast statue, looking smug. Tweety: Aw... I tink we bwoke the Putty-Tat. Sweety: It does look like that, doesn't it? Tweety: (takes a bite out of a large chocolate bar with the word "Choco-Lax" on the wrapper) Well... back to work. Care for a bite? Sweety: (Also takes a bite) You're such a kind mentor. While the two birds load up on laxative the statue of Bast that they rest on top of seems to shudder slightly. Then it's cold stone eyes flash into twin bright glimmering Blue orbs that regard Furrball as he drags his pancaked body out from under the block with this surviving hand. BAST: (Voiced by Eartha Kitt) Noble Furrball. Do not despair. I am Bast, goddess of cats. I have witnessed your brave attempts to protect the sanctity of the remaining monuments to our heritage of nobility and divinity. Your pain and suffering in my name will not go unrewarded. Your status as guard shall be elevated to guardian. I grant unto you the power of a titan, a living curse upon those who would DELIBERATELY defile the artifacts under your charge. Twin beams of blue magical energy blast forth from Bast's eyes, bathing Furrball and the nearby mummy displays in light. His mangled body rises up from the floor and bandages slither forth from the other mummies and bind his injuries. When the process ends, Furrball is wrapped head to toe in mummy wrappings and garbed like a guard from the age of Pharaohs. He experimentally flexes his muscles and looks up at the statue before bowing low. Bast: Now go forth Furrball, and smite the defilers. Purr-sue them to the ends of the earth if you must, but let nothing stand in your way! The light in the eyes of the Bast statue dim back to stone and Furrball raises his eyes upwards to glare at the two birds. A wide toothy grin spreads across his face like oil on a puddle while his own eyes glow a bright emerald pupil-less green. Tweety: Ok... this never happened with Sylvester. Sweety: Uh oh. I think we better run, teach. Tweety: What for? Mummies are on of the slowest monsters out there. The now-mummified Furrball crouches and does a mighty leap to the wall and digs his claws into the plaster. Moving with phenomenal speed he dashes up the wall towards the two birds making a leap to the top of the statue sending them scrambling into the air. Tweety: I don't get it! Mummies are supposed to shamble, aren't they? Sweety: You can blame Stephen Sommers for the change in genre. They fly down the museum corridors with Furrball traveling on all fours across the ceiling, snarling as he gives chase. Sweety and Tweety reach a four-way junction and she tugs at her mentor's wing. Sweety: Quick! This way! To the cafeteria! Tweety: What? Sweety: Trust me! Once in the cafeteria they perch on a fire sprinkler in the ceiling as Furrball moves across the tiled ceiling with a deliberate slowness. Sweety: This way Furrball. Come on you big, bandaged, bag of bones. Tweety: Wet's not taunt the murderous undead guardian, shall we? Furrball comes right up to the two Birds and 'raising' one claw prepares to strike... then the false ceiling tile he's holding onto disengages from it's moorings and he crashes to the floor below. Sweety: I knew he couldn't resist a moment of gloating before attacking. And a moment is all we needed for the false ceiling to give under his weight. Tweety: Bwilliant! What do you do for an encore? A flash of silver zooms between them and a fork sticks into the ceiling with such force that it still vibrates. The two birds look down and witness the Mummy with an armload of cutlery and it begins to fling it at them in rapid succession. Sweety: Save our lives. Flap for it! The two birds once again are doing all they can to keep one step ahead of Furrball, the cutlery leaving a jagged trail on the ceiling and walls behind them until he runs out. With his hands now empty, Furrball dashes across the floor on all fours and appears to be gaining on his quarry when Arnie steps out of the bathroom and Furrball comes screeching to a stop in front of his disapproving gaze. Arnie: (poking Furrball in the chest) Vat haff I told you about fooling around? Look at you! You are not to being paid to play dress-up! You are being paid to guard the exhibits. Can't you get that into that peanut sized brain of yours, puny kitty? Furrball stops and looks down at where Arnie keeps poking him, then his face shows pure annoyance just before he ROARS at the pit bull, his jaw distending in a freakish manner. Arnie's fur and clothing ruffle from the wind and sound of the roar but he seems unimpressed. Arnie: Oh... the pussycat thinks he can run with da big dogs, ya? Vell I have news for him. Dis dog bites back! The canine raises his hand and backhands Furrball across the face. Quick close up to show Arnie's blow knocking Furrball's head from his shoulders, sending it tumbling through the air. However Furrball's left hand comes up in time to catch his head before it goes out of reach. Back to regular view and Arnie stares dumbfounded as Furrball casually replaces his head and adjusts the bandages holding it on into a neat little bow. Arnie: Ah... ah... ah... You are not just playing dress-up are you? Furrball shakes his head in a 'no' motion. Arnie: Knocking your block off was not such a good idea. Ya? Furrball shakes his head again and draws the large Kopsh (Egyptian Sickle-sword) from where it rests at his belt and Arnie backs up to the men's room and opens the door. Arnie: I am thinking that perhaps I should remain in my office the rest of the night and think of what I have done. Ya? You have a good evening, undead kitty person. Arnie makes his retreat back into the restroom and Furrball turns his attention back to the birds who are back in the Egyptian wing, resting on the headdress of an ancient queen. Sweety: You ok, teach? Tweety: If I knew that I'd be fwapping for my wife today I wouldn't have eaten that bag of bwan muffins before weaving the nest. Furrball roars as he charges in a beeline for the birds, Kopsh above his head. Sweety glances upwards and points to the broken skylight. Sweety: Quick! Out the way we came! We can always poop on cat-statues later! Tweety: Sounds good to me! The two birds flap their wings as hard as they can, gasping and panting as they head up out of Furrball's reach and out onto the rooftop to settle down exhausted next to an air vent. Tweety: Fweedom! Sweet fweedom! Sweety: Yeah... we got away from that nasty old Furrball even with his new schtick. There's no way he can get us up here. The two bird chuckle in a breathless manner, but the chuckling stops when they hear the sound of the air-conditioner starting up. Sweety: (wide-eyed and fearful) Oh, heck no! He wouldn't dare! The air vent *ROARS!* to life and the suction pulls at the avians. They scrabble and claw at the rooftop but begin to slide towards that hungry metal maw and the whirling fans within. Tweety: (Shouting over the din) Would you say this turn of event is unpweasant? Sweety: (Also shouting) That sounds much classier than saying that this just plain *SUCKS*! The two birds are pulled into the ductwork and the camera does a series of quick jerks as it follows the sounds of Tweety and Sweety's cries, Bird-shaped dents and sound effects more appropriate to a sawmill then a museum until two puffs of feathers (one yellow and one pink) spurt forth from a vent and land in two separate bowls. Two pairs of bird-sized eyeballs land on top of each bowfull of feathers and we hear the faint pained groans of Sweety and Tweety before the camera zip-pans over to Furrball as he adjusts the environmental controls from "Cyclonic Puree" to "light breeze". The mummified feline then picks up the Egyptian-styled bowls of bird bits and walks over to Bast and kneels before her, holding up the bowls as an offering. The eyes glow the brilliant blue as before and a spirit-like version of Bast steps forth, kisses Furrball on the top of his head and takes the bowl full of Sweety from his hand. Bast: I am pleased with your offerings dear Furrball. This... sweeter of the two shall make the purrfect snack to top off an evening of such... delicious entertainment. You may have the yellow one and take the rest of the night off. Blushing from the light kiss, Furrball bows again, and with his bowl of Tweety in hand heads out of the museum. Exterior: Acme Acres Museum, night. Furrball walks down the front sidewalk from the museum to the road and takes one step onto the street when bright lights blind him and a the sound of screeching tires and a honking horn fills the air. Sphinxy: The street is not a sidewalk! Get off the road before you get... Furrball? Is that you? Furrball: (Voiced by Denzel Washington) Huh? Sphinxy? The lights dim and it's Sphinxy and the other cheerleaders in her VW beetle. Sphinxy is leaning out the window as Furrball walks over, her eyes giving him a good looking over. Sphinxy: (Wolf-Whistling) What have you been doing with yourself lately? Judging by the style of the dress and cut of the bandages not to mention the Cat-Icons on your person... I'd have to say you're Bast's new guardian Mummy. LIVING-dead variety. Am I close? Furrball: How'd you guess? Sphinxy: You forget who you're talking to. I've been there, done that, got the t-shirt... Furrball: You in a T-Shirt. Now there's a pleasant mental image. Sphinxy: (arching an eyebrow) You Tomcat you! I see the power coming with the wrappings are making you bolder... and it really brings out the green in your eyes. Furrball: Why thank you very much. Sphinxy: The girls and I are heading over to Buster's big Halloween bash and Football celebration. Wanna come? Furrball: I'd love to. Sphinxy: Great! Bimbette! Scoot into the back with Binky, Furrball can sit up front with me. Long shot of Furrball and Bimbette getting into their 'proper positions' in the car and the vehicle driving down the road into the night. In the distance we hear them talking. Sphinxy: Say... what's in the bowl. Furrball: The result of a long night's work. Here... try some. Sphinxy: (Crunching sounds and speaking through a full mouth) Mmmmm! I *LOVE* Shredded Tweet! Interior: Hall of Oddities, Night. The six toons look at one another as Plucky gives the sarcophagus a dusting with his handkerchief before checking his watch and glancing over at them. A clocktower chimes midnight in the distance. Plucky: Twelve bells... it's the witching hour on All Hallow's eve. Time for my carnival to begin closing up shop. We hope that you've enjoyed your stay here as well as the stories. J.A.M.: Thank you Mr Duck. Kevin: You certainly gave us our money's worth. Plucky escorts them to the doors and outside before grabbing a large push-broom and stepping back within the darkness, whistling the theme to "The Munsters". Exterior: The Carn-Evil, midnight. People are still milling about. Carnies begin to close up the midway, the rides begin to empty and all of the Costumed teens head towards the front gate. The six included. Pepe: Nothing like a good ghost story to set the Halloween mood, Eh? Kitty: And those were nothing like a good ghost story. Kevin: They were certainly imaginative. J.A.M.: I have this strange urge to write a critique on them when I get home. Leloni: I have to side with Kitty on this one. I mean they just seemed bizarre to me. What possibly could be so terrible about a COMPLETE marriage certificate? Rhubella and an unusually large Fanboy (from Freakazoid) walk past them, Fanboy chattering incessantly while Rhubella talks on her cellphone. Fanboy: ...And in season two the number of Babs' skirtpeeks increased by 4.9 percent. Rumor has it that if you add up the episode numbers of the featured skirtpeeks and divide by Speilburg's age at the time you get the secret password to a hidden Perfecto TTBS site someplace on Geocities. Rhubella: (Snarling into the phone) Yeah you heard me... I want my new husband insured for as much money as you can. I get the feeling that he's not long for this world. The group stare at the 'happy couple' before continuing on. Leloni: Yeah... I suppose that is a terrible thing. Andy: Well the wish could have been more vicious. Kevin: How so? Andy: She could have said, "Scare me half to death". Kevin: So why are you dressed like Joan of Arc, Lel? Leloni: It was either this or Lady Godiva. Of course you shouldn't be questioning people's choices in costumes, Kevin. I mean why are you dressed like a torture victim. Kevin: I'm not... come on. Can't you guys see who I am? Pepe: Sorry. Coming up a blank here. Kevin: I'm Charlton Heston from Planet of the apes! J.A.M.: I thought he was the old monkey in bed. Kevin: That was in the remake. In the original he was the astronaut that crashed and was enslaved by the apes. You know... "Get your stinking paws off me you dang dirty ape!" Andy: Eh. Still a bit of a reach. Kitty: (giggling) You know, all of those stories got me thinking... Pepe K: About what? Kitty: Well the common denominator in each of those tales was a twist ending. If we were part of such a story then our twist ending is due right about now. Andy: The cat has a point. J.A.M.: So where is our "Twist ending"? Kitty: I dunno. I did say that it would happen *IF* we were in a story. They reach the front of the Carn-Evil and stad with a group of other toons at the Bus Stop when a large yellow schoolbus (with the word "School" crossed out and the word "Ghoul" scribbled in above it in dripping red letters) pulls up. The Door swings wide open and the inside is like some manner of living creature and Eddie Cougar is at the Wheel. Tentacles lash out the open door to scoop up screaming toons, dragging them into the bus. Meanwhile the hextet of list members look at one another in a bored manner. Eddie: How sweet! Fresh Meat! Ahahahahaha! Kitty: (Shrugs in a noncommittal manner) Eh... it's an ending. I'll give him that. The tentacles grab Kitty, J.A.M., Andy, Leloni, Pepe K and Kevin, jerk them into the bus with the door slamming tight behind them. The Ghoulbus begins to drive off into the distance with Eddie laughing like a maniac. Eddie: (As the camera Iris' out on his bus) Ahahahahah! Prepare for an eternity of torment and suffering! Ahahahahahah! ...What do you mean you don't have exact change? End. In order of appearance: Kevin (HKUriah) Leloni Bunny Pepe K The Incredible WereKitty The J.A.M. Andy Fox Plucky Q Duck Babs Bunny Vinnie Deer Abel DuSable Bimbette Polecat Sphinxy Binky Bunny Hamton J. Pig Furrball Cat Arnie Pitbull Bast Fanboy Rhubella Rat Eddie Cougar Stinger: Sphinxy corners the Mummified Furrball in the classic "TTA Rings". As she drapes her arms about him with a sly smile on her face, Furrball gives her a sheepish grin. Furrball: Madam, are your intentions honorable? Sphinxy: I sure hope not.